Karen Gudelj wouldn’t wish on her worst enemy what she, husband Michael and their family are going through right now.
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“There’s no words to describe it,” she said.
“You have a good day, then you feel bad because you’ve had a good day.”
Ahead of National Missing Person’s Week, which starts Sunday, Ms Gudelj continues to search for answers about her son Zac Barnes, who has been missing since November last year.
Friends reported that they last saw Zac, then 18, when he ran off from a friend’s car near bushland in Thornton.
On one hand, Ms Gudelj is grappling with the pain of her son’s disappearance, but she is also trying to act as the glue that holds the rest of her family together.
“It has a ripple effect,” she said. “Zac has five brothers and sisters.”
“They’re trying to be tough and brave for me. But they’re all grieving in their own way.”
Ms Gudelj hides her emotions from her children as best as she can.
“You save your tears for the shower,” she said.
Jarrad, 23, Cody, 21, Liam, 16, Makayla, 9 and Mia, 7 drive their mother’s strength to soldier on. She now cherishes every moment with them.
“With Zac not being here, every little moment means more now,” she said.
“It makes me wake up, I want to make every day a good day for them.”
Ms Gudelj said her youngest two don’t understand the enormity of the situation, but know something is not right.
“When we had a lot of rain a few weeks ago, they got upset,” she said.
“They said ‘Zac’s out in the rain, what if he can’t get under shelter’.
“We have a picture of him near the door. They kiss it when they go to school.
“I can’t give them bad news, I don’t want them to feel like I do.”
The problem is the family don’t have any news to give at all. After almost nine months, police have no information on Zac’s whereabouts.
Ms Gudelj holds faith in police efforts no matter what the outcome, because she just wants to know what happened to her boy.
“If police do believe it was foul play, that’s a reality we have to face,” she said.
“If something has happened we have to find out.
“We can’t give up on him. We’ve got to fight for him.”
Ms Gudelj does not believe her son, who she described as being “very caring with a big heart”, ran away or was deliberately harmed.
She said if there was an accident, she feels for the people who knew what happened and were covering it up.
“There would be some kids out there who would be really struggling to deal with and hide that,” she said.
“If it was an accident, it’s not something they have to torture themselves with. We are forgiving people, we just want our boy back.”
You save your tears for the shower.
- Zac's mum Karen Gudelj
But if he is out there, Ms Gudelj said there was nothing Zac could have done to stop them loving him.
“If he walked through the door, he’d be greeted and welcomed and loved,” she said.
She urged anyone that may have seen Zac to “act straight away”.
Zac is described as being of Caucasian appearance, 180cm to 185cm tall, thin build with brown hair and brown eyes. His distinctive tattoos – including a VB logo on his right calf – are what Ms Gudelj said people should look out for, especially going into the warmer months.
The family has launched a GoFundMe campaign to garner greater awareness.
Ms Gudelj said the money would fund posters and TV and bus advertisements to keep Zac’s face and story in the public eye.
To donate, click here.
THE MISSING
Police receive 38,000 reports of missing people each year. Meet the people who vanished.
